Thursday, February 7, 2008

Men of Dallas




So I thought that when I moved to Dallas there was going to be a whole new world of men open to me and I would meet the man of my dreams instantaneously. Well after going out on the town several times now looking my finest I am not sure this is going to be possible. I was imagining swaggering up to any bar in town and knocking back a cold one with one of many cowboy boot wearin’ tall, dark, handsome fellas all the while talking about what its like to own an oil refinery. The one small problem is that all the men here are gay. Or....they at least look gay. It may be that I’m living in the uber-chic section of Dallas known as Uptown, but all the men here are of the wine smelling, hair gelling, designer clothes wearing variety. I can’t pick out a straight guy from a gay guy to save my life. The thing is, I think all the women here are attracted to that.

Prime example. A few weekends ago I was out at a birthday party when a tall, dark guy wearing a trenchcoat and more product in his hair than was in mine walked up to me, leaned in, and asked “So, what kind of perfume are you wearing?” I gave him bewildered look and replied, “Maybe Baby by Benefit.” To which he nodded “Oh, yeah” as if he was very familiar with the smell. So I said “Did you already know that??” And he replies “Yeah of course. Smells great.” At which point I turn my back to him praying to God that he will just walk away and never speak to me again. I am not sure which I was more turned off by – the fact that he might have actually known what perfume I was wearing, or that he was lying about knowing what perfume I was wearing, or that this was what he actually decided to use as his pickup line. Most alarmingly, after he walked away I turned to my girlfriends from Dallas and said “Yall don’t even know, I attract the biggest weirdos.” To which they replied, “What was wrong with him?? We thought he was totally hot.” Ugh.

Later that night my super shit faced friend Jessica (whose birthday it was) told me that I should totally go bump into the guy in the black shirt sitting at the bar because he was super hot. So I mosey over and toss my hair at this guy and the minute he introduces himself to me I know this was a mistake. Not only is his hairdo so hard from gel I’m certain it wouldn’t move in a tornado, but he also has braces on his bottom teeth. Talk about a turn off. Being the big wussy that I am though, I end up talking to him for next hour about what it’s like to be in commercial flight school at the age of 28 and giving him my digits. So now I am lucky enough to get a daily reminder of the evening everytime my phone rings.

I never thought I would miss the baseball cap wearing, beer drinking men of South Carolina but at least I knew they were interested in me and not my friend Dave!! I’m headed out on the town this evening so I’ll let you know what gems I meet tonight.

Cheers!

25 comments:

The HLM said...

well, i'm not convinced the man for you isn't in dallas, but he's clearly gonna have to be a transplant. and i still have faith in the friends of friends connections!
best of luck on the prowl tonight! :)

blair said...

yay! The blogger has returned! I am also quite appalled at the vertical c-sections. Hey at least you are not sticking scopes up VA dudes butts all month like me and sucking up their poop...yuk. GI is not for me.

Melissa said...

Blair, that is completely and totally vile. What the hell are you doing?!?!

Jessie, I'm sorry the men in Dallas are all not manly-men cowboy types. That is what I would be expecting as well. How are you supposed to get people to come visit you now that that is gone? You want us to come just to see you? :-P

Everyone be jealous. Jodie got tickets to see Rachael Ray for this coming Wednesday and she's taking me. YAY Rachael! And yay Jodie!

susan j said...

HA... That perky little twitter can take her 30-minute meals and shove 'em. I realize I say this at the risk of alienating 2 or possibly 3 of my favorite people but I just can't stand her. But, that means I can be genuinely happy for y'all that are going and not be jealous in the least! Hope you two have fun!

Jess: I agree with Jodie that you should not write off the male populace of Dallas just yet. And btw, in April it looks like the best weekend for me to come down there would be the 18th. Let me know what you think!

susan j said...

This doesn't really address the ambiguous sexual preference of Dallas men... but if you continue to have any difficulty picking up quality fellas, don't take take it personally. They might just be afraid that you're about to drug and rob them. See article:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080208/ap_on_fe_st/flirtatious_thieves

Melissa said...

By the way, completely random comment for Jessie here. Do you remember that AWFUL movie that was essentially lesbian porn that you rented and I watched with you (you had also rented some retarded movie and we didn't quite realize that the lesbian porn was going to be lesbian porn)? Anyways, I was flipping through digital cable and came across the movie, Loving Annabelle - on LOGO. So if there was any doubt that it was lesbian porn, it definitely is. And now everyone else probably thinks we're crazy. But it made me smile because I was remembering us watching in shock as we watched the movie, kinda like, what the hell did you rent, Jessie?!?!! Ha. Good times in Columbia. Miss you.

blair said...

Ya'll better hope that you guys don't happen to pass me by on the street because I would throw one of you off of a building so I could have one of those tickets. Food network rocks! I have no life. And yes, my work is the grossest thing ever this week....literally sucking up flourescent green poop from old men's colons. Rachel Ray sounds way better.

-jessie said...

melissa, you better be glad i work like a slave right now, otherwise i'd be bumpin elbows with my would-be bff rachael ray.

blair, i didn't think anyone had a grosser job than me. actually, i still think your job isn't grosser than mine. at least you have a sucker thing...my ladies actually poop directly ON me while they are pushing their babies out. i could use a little sucker thing.

Melissa said...

Don't think I don't realize that. I'm just thankful for the first time that you don't live anywhere near here. You'll be there in spirit. But I'll actually be there :-)

Blair, I'm also thankful that you're far away as well. Jodie, I'm thankful that you're close :-)

And Susan J, I miss you.

blair said...

Hey, what the hell? You better be thankful, I'll put the redneck smackdown on that ass!

Melissa said...

Okay, the fact that they poop on you? Is disgusting. Vile.

And Blair, don't you mean you'll go country on that ass, not redneck smackdown? Anyone else remember Jessie saying that to some chick at Bar None? I wasn't even there, but I love that line :-)

As a side note, I hate the fact that my gmail is set up as Melissa (as it should be) but since I leave it logged in, it appears here as Melissa, not Mel. I'm not Melissa to you people, dammit.

Jo-Jo said...

boo for poo blair and jess-but thank you, i realized the only way my job would suck worse-if the kids pooped on me. i mean, i get a lot of shit, but just damn!
yay for rachael! we'll be bragging tomorrow! :) (and excuse you susan j.) i won't tell you blair and jessie that if you could be here, you could come-i had the option of up to 4 tickets!
and mel-i call you melissa!

susan j said...

Jodie, I just want you to know that you have an evil twin in Vancouver. She works at the Starbucks I stop at on my way to see my customer every morning. I mean, I don't know for a fact if she's evil... I haven't seen her do anything except make soy lattes, but whatever. The resemblance is uncanny.

blair said...

WHAT!!!?????!!!!!????!!! UP to FOUR tickets??!!!!??? A piece of me just died inside. I would have quit my job at the poop factory to go.

Melissa said...

I want an evil twin.

Be jealous - Rachael and Jodie today! Jessie and Blair, you'll be missed. I'll say hi to Rach for you :-)

Disappointedinnyc said...

so, there's good news and there's bad news friends...
the bad news is a soaked melissa and i were turned away from the rachael ray show today despite arriving 30 minutes before the scheduled time, being on the list as guests, and a miserable day in the city that (we thought) no one would want to be out in. :( needless to say we were super sad.
however, as i said there is good news. in addition to not having to go to work today (or ever again after this week!!!!!!), and getting to spend the afternoon with my dear friend melissa and her friend evee, we were given vip tickets for an upcoming show!!! we do not know when yet, but we will receive UP TO FOUR tickets GUARANTEED probably at the beginning of next season. SO...jessie and blair, get here and you go!!! clearly that's the way it's meant to be and you guys willed us to miss out today so that you can be there too! :)

blair said...

YAY FOR ME!!!!!!!! but boo for you....:( but YAY FOR ME!!!!!! I'll be there, just tell me when!!

Melly-moo said...

So I tried to post yesterday but then my internet screwed up on me, so let's try this again today. It was so crappy that we didn't get to see Rach and that the weather was disgusting, but I had a wonderful time anyways. I always forget how much I like my friends! Jodie, we need to see each other more often - twice in the past month is much better than twice in 5 months.

So Jodie, email the Rachael people and get our FOUR tickets for next year, and Jess and Blair, get your butts up here so that we can all become BFFs with Rachael Ray.

Jo-Jo, I hope you had a great Valentine's day. Yes?

Jessie, since it's your blog, HI! Where are you? Jodie, Blair and I (and Susan J, to a lesser extent this time since she hates Rachael - totally unacceptable, by the way, but I still love you) post here more than you. Hope you found a non-gay cowboy in Dallas, although a friend of mine at gymnastics (a girl I take a class with) who is hating men right now, felt better when I told her about your perfuming-smelling, gel-wearing metal-mouths in Dallas :-)

blair said...

Oh my god, if I pull up this blog one more time and it is just those damn fab five or whoever I am going to hurl...I am going to need a new blog please. I agree with melly-moo, we are all just blogging each other on this thing! Although who am I to complain, I think I may have scored a RR ticket!!

Melissa said...

Listen to Blair, Jessie. She's smart. I need something new to look at...at least with her comment, it no longer said 18 comments when I pulled your blog up. I don't care if you're busy being a doctor. Update, dammit :-)

Love you.

Kimberly said...

Wow, Jessie. I just logged on to get an update on your goings-on in Dallas and I feel like I've stumbled onto some underground exclusive chat room. What a fun bonus! Also, I'll be up your way throwing a bachelorette party the last weekend in March, and your attendance is required. We need to hang out! Check my blog for Houston updates and plan a weekend to get your little butt down here. Sadly, your account of Dallas men sounds spot on. Welcome to Texas, and I'm sorry.

Melissa said...

Update, dammit. I need new banter with Jo-jo, Blair, and Susan J.

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Kimberly said...

Who is this "notebooks" character? Sounds like you may have yourself a fun little stalker! And Mel, no bantering with me? I thought we had a good thing going. Maybe if I make it to a home game next year I'll garnish a little more respect. I met Clemson's president last month! Does that count for anything?

Melissa said...

Kimberly, you know how fabulous you are. However, you did not discover/comment on the blog until way after the bantering was done. I'll expect blog comment hijacking from you as well whenever Jessie updates the damn thing :-) I'm off to add you as a friend on facebook.

Jessie, I want to come to Dallas and visit, however, I have no idea when. Evee has a friend in Austin, so we were thinking maybe we'll do a Texas trip this summer and go to both (YES, I know they are not close). And Kimberly, we'll add a Houston stop and hang out with you and Ryan, too :-)